downer

Last night I went to bed thinking about all the time I have wasted doing nothing.  I turn 32 today and I have accomplished absolutely nothing:(  I could blame it all on ADHD but then that really doesn't make it any better.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time (who doesn't?!) and just start all over again!  Well, not entirely over, just from high school on:/  Really, I wish I had known what I wanted to do with my life then, then maybe today I would feel old but accomplished...not just old:/  I guess I'm feeling a little defeated today but not to worry because I don't give up easily.  Sooner or later I will figure things out...

Done.

Done counting calories.  Done eating light and fat free.  Done thinking about food 24/7.  Done feeling guilty every time I eat.  Done.  Done.  Done.

Seriously, this weigh loss journey sucks.  I'm super fed up with everything and I don't want to think about what I can and can't eat anymore.  So, this morning, I'm drinking my coffee with honey and real whole fatty milk.  Yes, and it's so freaking delicious that I'm probably drinking two cups. Yes. I. am.  You, know since day one of this journey I have beat my self over and over again over the things I should have done or shouldn't have done.  Should I eat that? I shouldn't eat that!  I. AM. OVER. IT!  That's it, I'm giving up diets and my daily fights with food.  From now on I'm going to eat what I want as much as I want.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it and I'm going to enjoy my life instead of obsessing about food every second.

In other news:  I started running.  Yes, you heard right.  I'm running and I absolutely love it.  I'm not running to lose weight but rather to unwind and relax.  It's just makes me feel so good, I have so much more energy, I feel so great afterwards and the end of the day, it really makes my day so much better.  What got me started?  My chiropractor.  Yep, he's a runner and I'm not sure why but we started talking about running and marathons and I remembered how much I loved running back when I was single.  I also remembered some goals I had and how I gave everything up when I got married and had my son.  So, I decided to give it a try and now I look forward to the end of the day when I can just go and run.  The first day I ran I seriously felt like my legs were made out of iron, they felt SO heavy I was only able to run about 4 minutes before I had to stop running and keep on walking.  That was the beginning of last week.  The last two days I have walked one mile and ran one mile.  I'm doing a total of 2 or 4 miles a day depending whether or not I go walking in the morning.  This week my goal is to up my running by half a mile.  Wish me luck!:)


Have an awesome week!

"You B*tch"

That is such and UGLY phrase and my son finally managed to use it on me yesterday:/  Now, I know that he doesn't know what it means and that he was only "trying it out" but that was enough for me to realize that I cannot help the little boy I'm taking care of.  I'm so careful about what my son sees and hears and to have him pick up such and ugly word...I just can't have that.  So anyways as soon as the little boy was picked up I let them know I was no longer going to be able to take him in and I explained what happened.  I felt so horrible and I really truly wish I could help him, but the truth of the matter is that no matter what I do when he's here with me, if he's still seeing and hearing these things at home...nothing will change and quite frankly my son comes first.

On a different set of news I finally got my hubby to go for a walk with me:)  I'm going to try to go for a walk everyday this week and hopefully get more energy out of it along as more will to stick to a healthy lifestyle.  I hadn't been doing too good but snapped myself back into it yesterday and I'm hoping with a little bit of a workout everyday and some good healthy eating I can lose 1lb a week...hopefully or even just half a pound as long as there is a loss!:)

10 pounds lost:)

This morning I felt brave enough to step on the scale, don't ask me why cuz I have no idea but I finally did it! I'm officially into the 80's :D I'm 188 to be exact.  I was so super happy because it means that whatever I'm doing it's working.  I'm not torturing myself with diets, or crazy workouts, I'm just enjoying what I'm eating and making better choices and it seems to be doing the trick:)  I do plan on going back body rocking (because I truly like it) but I'm not pushing myself...I know when I'm ready I'll start on my own and it won't feel like I have to do it but rather, because I want to.  I'll keep you posted.

On a totally completely different subject:

I know I have't told you guys but I occasionally babysit some kids to keep me and my son busy during the week.  Anyways, yesterday one of the kids I had was so wound up I had to call and get him picked up because I just could not handle him anymore.  I mean I consider myself a pretty patient person but yesterday I was literally shaking and close to crying because I just couldn't get him to calm down, mind you he's only 3 but he gets so so angry and so upset over the littlest things and his reaction is just to automatically hit:(  I know he's only 3 and that I'm the adult but once I reached that point of "I don't think I can do this all day" I had to call the parents to get him picked up before I went nuts.  When he got picked up I had a major binge session (that I haven't had in a while) and it took a long time for me to finally relax and get back to being okay.  I had to talk to his dad, his mom, and his grandma:\  I didn't mind talking to them but I really felt like they need to communicate better with each other and communicate with me when the little boy is having issues at home so that I can understand his behavior better and be able to work with his family to make this work.  They brought him over again today and again he is just so angry all the time and so frustrated but I think because i prepared myself for it I was able to handle it better today.  He's napping now and I'm seriously hoping that he gets picked up early and that made me think maybe I need to stop having him over... I feel bad I don't know what else to do??  It really stresses me out when he comes (he only comes once or twice a week) and by the end of the day I'm so on edge that I just want to lock myself in the room and not deal with my son or my husband:( unfortunately I can only do that for like 5 minutes before my son comes looking for me and I don't get any down time till I'm ready to go to sleep and my husband has to put my son to sleep... So yeah, what would you guys do?

Having a good week:)

I love weeks like these!:)  I mean seriously, life would be grand for me if, I could have every week be like this one.  Yesterday was a pretty good day.  I managed to stay under 1400 calories (which is a big deal for me) and did my body rock workout.  Today I'm doing pretty good, I feel good, and I'm obviously looking forward to my workout today.

I been wanting to share more with you guys but I mean seriously my life is pretty boring.  Sad, but true.  I'm a SAHM and I spend my days home with my son, taking care of two girls, cleaning, and cooking (not very exciting or interesting).  During the week I never step outside of my house (I know right? surprised I haven't gone crazy) and during the weekends we usually travel either further south in California to visit my family or further north to visit my husbands family.  Sometimes I wish I had more exciting things to talk about or just something different but I really don't have much to say so I just keep it short and simple.

That's it.

I'm back:)

It's Monday again!:)  I had a pretty good weekend.  I finally managed to go out with my hubby and stay out way past midnight for the first time since we have been married (wow! right?!).  We had a couples night out and decided to go to Disneyland with my sisters and their husbands.  It was definitely much needed fun and so glad I finally got the chance to have a child-less night:)

So, back to my normal life:  I'm  doing okay.  Have been Body Rocking almost everyday and feel good doing it.  Still struggling staying within my calories so, we'll see how I do this week.  I have seven days left in my challenge and well, it'll be nice if I can squeeze into the 180's by the end of it.

I plan on body rocking at least 30 minutes everyday this week and staying under 1400 calories (trying).

Wish me luck!  Hope you guys have an awesome week!